Thoughts, 4 months out

My excitement seems to be directly related to the size of my credit card bill and number of visits to REI, and inversely related to the amount of time I spend with the people I love.

I suppose this makes sense, but I’m not entirely sure that it makes me feel better.

On the bright side, this means I’m already stocked up on a backpack, sleeping sack, shoes, socks, underwear, pants, and shirts. Already, I am in love with everything made for travel—most comfortable, practical clothing ever. And it makes me even more excited to dump the vast majority of my current wardrobe at Goodwill.

The more I read about hiking and long-term backpacking, though, the more I realize that I am so incredibly out of my league here. I can’t wait to figure this all out… maybe even before I actually leave. (…Doubtful.)

Meanwhile, my relationships are swinging in unexpected, possibly unhealthy directions. I can’t even explain why I am clinging closer to some people, while pushing others away. Sometimes, my stomach churns when I think about how close my trip is, while other times, I am exhausted by the thought of hanging in this limbo for so long.

They say, “You’ll find yourself one of these days,”
As if they know I’m lost and could never be saved.


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