Thoughts, less than three months out

I have had a lot of time to think lately, which has been kind of terrifying, actually.

Uncertainty is not a good look on me–and yes, I know that uncertainty is exactly what I have to look forward to for the entirety of next year, so please stop pointing that out to me because you must do the thing you think you cannot do …right?

School ends this week, and so do the beginnings of my goodbyes. I am vacillating between getting the hell out of Houston as soon as the last bell rings, and holding on long into the sticky summer heat. Neither seem like great options right now.

I am becoming an expert at defense mechanisms—mine, and everyone else’s. Objectively, I am amazed by what the heart, and mind, and body can think up in order to protect itself from loss. Emotionally, this is what is killing me most. I have never been more aware of the love that surrounds me here, and this is the one thing that gives me pause.

Though, really, perhaps the only thing that I am still certain of (and always really have been, if I’m being completely honest) is my choice to leave. I am going. Even if I still don’t know when or where or how or why.

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