Monthly Archives: July 2014

frame of reference

Back in Houston, I see you again for the first time in a year and the distance melts around us, enveloping us back into the friendship I remember. It is different in a very healthy way, but it is also so unmistakably and permanently ours.

I am still in an interim, sleeping on couches and keeping my wardrobe in the backseat of my car, though in some ways what’s happening right now is more permanent than ever.

The English boy is talking about moving, and this makes me feel terrified and giddy and anxious and—surprisingly—so very safe. I can’t promise him perfection or peace or even complete permanence, but I am desperately hoping that my substitute of understanding and forgiveness and effort is enough. Though I’m not exactly sure how much an uprooted life goes for these days.

And it is especially unfair because I am the opposite of uprooted right now. I am back to everything that I know, and while it’s unsettling in a semi-clichéd way, I’m pretty sure that it won’t take much longer until it feels like home again. Maybe not permanently, but in the meantime, I have given myself a reminder that I am always moving in the right direction.

20140728-215631-78991863.jpg

twenty-six

If I knew last year where I would end up this year, I wouldn’t change anything.

My yearly reflection, I find that the most monumental change I underwent this year is that now I believe it on the basis of myself instead of marked with a boy-shaped asterisk.

I wonder if this contentment, this lack of regret, is enough. I wonder if it will stay as I transition back into the workforce, back into routine and responsibility.

And I wonder about the English boy. After a messy week, we have reneged on our breakup—for better or for worse—and I wonder: if he is not an asterisk, if I’ve outgrown the need to have someone to complete me, how do you decide when a relationship is enough?

But while I am worrying too much, for the first time in a long time, I also feel like I have a pretty good grasp on this upcoming year.

I don’t know exactly where to go from here, but I have high hopes for twenty-six.

truth

“We follow wherever the next sunrise and sunset takes us. We are guided by moon cycles and stardust. We look up the the night sky, gaze up at the cosmos, and know that wherever we are and whoever we’re without, we are never really alone. And we are comforted by this very notion.

And so here’s the truth. We travel not just to travel and marvel at people, places, things. That’s not just it. That was never just it for us. We travel to learn, to experience, and to feel all the spectrums of being human in this world.”