Monthly Archives: January 2015

The four-letter post

I’m not really a crass person, I don’t think. But sometimes, there doesn’t seem to be a better way to say it.

I have given up on a lot these past few months—more than I thought I would have to, being that I am currently in my return to regular life, after all.

But I am practicing saying no more than saying fuck yes. Because maybe I don’t want to need you if you don’t need me. Maybe I don’t even want to be friends with you if you can’t love me. Maybe I just don’t want this baggage in my life anymore, and maybe I want to say yes to myself.

It is lonely. I am lonelier sitting in my own bedroom than I ever was halfway across the world. There are more times when I feel like I have no one to talk to, and it’s sadder because I know it’s my fault—my choice—instead of being played off as the result of time or distance.

I’m also pretty bad at this, this not giving a fuck. These walls are not natural and I find myself closing off more and more because I’m actually not sure how to be inattentive toward someone. I can only be absent… so I decide to do that.

I miss it. Adjusting to life without emotional intimacy is more difficult than I ever would’ve thought, but I also never thought that so many people would let me down so completely all at once. Fuck.



The day before second semester starts, one of my specialest students (who accidentally showed up to school a day early) tells me that our school is haunted by a ghost named Tabitha who lives in the elevator. He says he gets chills whenever he can feel her nearby.

I am full of ghosts. I have become less sentimental than ever, and this has left swift and deep holes in my social circle as I dig out broken relationships and let them float into ghost territory. I am hauntingly cordial as these people who used to know me inside and out drift into stranger territory and I don’t even bother to watch as they leave. With this unseasonably cold Houston weather, I needed something to warm me up.