Monthly Archives: January 2015

The four-letter post

I’m not really a crass person, I don’t think. But sometimes, there doesn’t seem to be a better way to say it.

I have given up on a lot these past few months—more than I thought I would have to, being that I am currently in my return to regular life, after all.

But I am practicing saying no more than saying fuck yes. Because maybe I don’t want to need you if you don’t need me. Maybe I don’t even want to be friends with you if you can’t love me. Maybe I just don’t want this baggage in my life anymore, and maybe I want to say yes to myself.

It is lonely. I am lonelier sitting in my own bedroom than I ever was halfway across the world. There are more times when I feel like I have no one to talk to, and it’s sadder because I know it’s my fault—my choice—instead of being played off as the result of time or distance.

I’m also pretty bad at this, this not giving a fuck. These walls are not natural and I find myself closing off more and more because I’m actually not sure how to be inattentive toward someone. I can only be absent… so I decide to do that.

I miss it. Adjusting to life without emotional intimacy is more difficult than I ever would’ve thought, but I also never thought that so many people would let me down so completely all at once. Fuck.

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ghosts

The day before second semester starts, one of my specialest students (who accidentally showed up to school a day early) tells me that our school is haunted by a ghost named Tabitha who lives in the elevator. He says he gets chills whenever he can feel her nearby.

I am full of ghosts. I have become less sentimental than ever, and this has left swift and deep holes in my social circle as I dig out broken relationships and let them float into ghost territory. I am hauntingly cordial as these people who used to know me inside and out drift into stranger territory and I don’t even bother to watch as they leave. With this unseasonably cold Houston weather, I needed something to warm me up.