I’m not really a crass person, I don’t think. But sometimes, there doesn’t seem to be a better way to say it.
I have given up on a lot these past few months—more than I thought I would have to, being that I am currently in my return to regular life, after all.
But I am practicing saying no more than saying fuck yes. Because maybe I don’t want to need you if you don’t need me. Maybe I don’t even want to be friends with you if you can’t love me. Maybe I just don’t want this baggage in my life anymore, and maybe I want to say yes to myself.
It is lonely. I am lonelier sitting in my own bedroom than I ever was halfway across the world. There are more times when I feel like I have no one to talk to, and it’s sadder because I know it’s my fault—my choice—instead of being played off as the result of time or distance.
I’m also pretty bad at this, this not giving a fuck. These walls are not natural and I find myself closing off more and more because I’m actually not sure how to be inattentive toward someone. I can only be absent… so I decide to do that.
I miss it. Adjusting to life without emotional intimacy is more difficult than I ever would’ve thought, but I also never thought that so many people would let me down so completely all at once. Fuck.